


just the last page

by charjace



Series: Screams Falling On Deaf Ears [4]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, Panic Attacks, Slow Build, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-09
Updated: 2018-05-09
Packaged: 2019-05-04 10:12:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14590788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charjace/pseuds/charjace
Summary: finding love is scary to realise





	just the last page

When he was a teenager, his mother used alcohol to numb herself and he was blind to it until it got bad. She had started three months after his father had died, and apparently Rebecca was more aware and tried to hide it away from him, and she had until Luke had picked him and her up because their mother went too far with her drinking.

He had felt  _powerless_  when he found that out, like if he had known more or if his sister hadn’t kept it away from him, he could have helped their mother. He felt powerless because he hadn’t noticed it himself, that he was a bad  _son_  for not noticing. Rebecca for the next few months tried to reassure him that it wasn’t his fault for not noticing, same with Luke and Clary, even Jocelyn did but that hadn’t stopped his mind from blaming himself.

He was fourteen when his father died, sixteen when his mother stopped drinking and seventeen when he was laying in Clary’s bed, eye’s pouring out tears as she held onto him. Holding him close because she wouldn’t let him leave because he had scared her. He had scared her when he told her that no matter what, he loved her and that nothing was ever her fault. Scared her when he was saying goodbye, because it sounded like the last time she would ever hear it - and if he were honest, he had been planning it as that.

But, because of Clary pulling him into a tight hug and whispering over and over that she loved him too, and that it’s going to be okay that he stayed with her. Because he could hear the worry and felt a tear fall on his shoulder. She brought them to her bed, where they had laid down and cried, Clary every so often pressing kisses to the top of his head.

So, when he saw the similar signs in Jace, he didn’t want to be too late and he didn’t want to let it pass, because while he may have only known the man a few months, he  _knew_  some thing was up. This is why he wanted to help Jace, because he and someone he loves has been there. And this is what he tells Jace as they sit in his room in the apartment he shares with Kyle... no Jordan. (He still can’t get past the fact that he is rooming with someone who hurt someone he cared deeply about, but Maia informed him that it was okay, that she has sorted out what she’s needed with the man.)

He knows there are a few tears falling past is eyes, it’s been two months since the Seelie Court, and Simon has spent a lot of his time in his own space. Clary had came over a few times, asking if he was okay. She was worried he was getting bad again, and he was but promised her if it got  _really_  bad, he’d let her or someone else know but, he didn’t and it had just been sheer luck that Jace had come over.

Half way through telling the story, Jace had grabbed a hold of his hands as they were sitting opposite of each other on his bed. The touch was comforting, and Simon didn’t want it to end but the story ended and Jace still hadn’t let go.

A knock on the door disturbed the silence, and Simon waited for Jace to let go of his hands so that he could open the door, but he didn’t. “Uh... Jace, you kind if need to let go of my hands,” Simon says with a soft voice.

Jace’s eyes fill with what Simon would describe as disappointment before they looked down at their hands, then he slowly let’s go and Simon climbs off of the bed, and heads towards the door.

As soon as he opens up the door, he is tackled into a hug and the familiar sent of Clary filled his nose, and he hugged her back.

“Thank god you’re okay Si,” Clary mumbles, pulling back and a thankful smile was plastered in her lips. Behind her, he could see Maia with a look of relief on her lips. “Have you heard the name Heidi?”

Simon shakes his head, “No, should I?”

“No, it’s just, there is this new vampire, claiming you’re her sire but you’ve never bitten into someone right?” Clary asks.

Simon shakes his head, because as far as he knows, him and Jace are still keeping their bite a secret, the one that saved his life. “No, I do’t even know a Heidi. What happened to her?”

“The Praetor has her now, they’re going to help her adjust to this new life,” Maia informs, and raises an eyebrow as she watches as Jace walks out of Simon’s room. “Blondie, I need a word with you.”

“Why?” Jace questions, but still walks closer, “I’ll talk with you later Simon, and remember call one of us please.”

Simon gives a small nod of his head, and as Jace and Maia exit, Jace can hear Clary saying “ _Are you getting that bad again?”_  and no doubt is engulfing her friend into another hug.

He made that comment to make sure Clary stayed a bit longer with her best friend, much like Simon stayed that night he was on the bridge. He knew Clary wouldn’t hesitate.

Jace follows Maia until they’re standing outside of the apartment complex, where she stops and there is a cab sitting there, she tells him to get into the vehicle and he does but she doesn’t climb in, instead she tells the driver Magnus’ address and hands over some money. “More like, Magnus wants to have a talk with you.”

With that, the cab drives off and Jace is left a little confused, why would Magnus’ need to talk with him? Is it about Alec? Has something happened? Many things run through his mind all the way to the loft and as he is told to sit down on the couch. It’s silent for a long while, like Magnus is waiting for  _Jace_  to say something first, but what would that be?

It started to grow uncomfortable, and Jace finally spoke, “Maia said you wanted to talk with me?”

“Well, that’s not exactly the truth but I do. Something happened when we went to Idris, between you and Simon, did it not?” Magnus muses, hitching an eyebrow as he conjured up himself a glass of whiskey.

“Not really. I got captured by the Seelie’s and Simon rescued me with the help of Luke, but that is about it,” Jace answers with a small shrug of his shoulders, leaving out the fact that he figured out that he loved Simon, the moment he saw Simon at his rescue. It’s been months, and he has barely told anyone.

Alec  _knows_  he’s in love with someone, because when he had came back from Idris, he came by Jace’s room and asked what got him so full of fear and Jace had said that he realized he was in love, but didn’t say with who as Alec just told him it was okay as he comforted his parabatai. It’s also been no secret that Alec has been trying to get Jace to tell him who it is. (Alec knows, he just wants Jace to admit it out loud.)

“Jace, I can tell when someone is leaving something out... and Alexander told me,” Magnus tells him with a small shrug of his shoulders, and Jace stiffened a little especially when Alec walks out of Magnus’ room to take a seat next to is boyfriend, “Jace... it’s okay. Love is a scary thing especially when you’ve been raised by Valentine, but you don’t have to be afraid of it all your life if you accept it.”

“I... I can’t. Simon won’t feel the same way,” Jace says, and it’s heavy off of his tongue, because why would Simon love him like that? The admitting, by proxy, that he is in love with Simon aloud and the admitting of Simon not returning the feelings, was hard. “That is why love scares me, because the people I love... they get hurt or taken away, or don’t return it the way I do.”

“How do you know Simon doesn’t return your feelings?” Alec asks, raising an eyebrow, he doesn’t sound shocked that it was Simon, and Jace doesn’t understand, he never mentioned Simon’s name when it came to this up until now.

“Because I’m  _me_  Alec. I pushed him away when he tagged along with Clary,” Jace starts.

“You did that because mundanes who know of the Shadowworld are not destined to live good fated lives, you were doing what you do best, protecting the mundanes,” Alec retorts, like he’s thought of this argument that Jace would have and a reason for it.

“I was mean to him,” Jace adds on.

“We all, except for Izzy were, because Shadowhunters were taught that we’re better then downworlders and even mundanes,” And it does really seem like Alec has a response for each of his defenses on why Simon wouldn’t return the feelings.

It went on for almost ten minutes of Jace degrading himself and giving off reasons as to why Simon wouldn’t love him, and Alec and sometimes Magnus, giving off a point in which how he was wrong. It ended up with Jace hanging his head, and Alec by his side with an arm around him to comfort him.

His last resort, one he isn’t even too sure on, “He is -,”

“Straight? Heterosexual? Jace, that is the most  _wrong_  point you have against why Simon won’t return your feelings, because that boy is not,” Magnus says, and Jace looks up at him, eyes squinting just a little.

“I love Simon and I don’t know what to do about it,” Jace almost mumbles, and feels a tear brim his eyes.

“Tell him, save yourself the heartache Jace. You deserve to be happy, and Simon makes you happy,” Alec tells him, and let’s go as Magnus stands up and makes a portal.

“Go, the portal will lead to Simon’s room,” Magnus informs, and Jace takes in a deep breath before letting it out. 

Standing up, he walks through the portal, but not without giving a thank you to Alec and Magnus. Finding himself in Simon’s room, he notices Simon wasn’t in there, and so he went to walk out when he heard voices from the living area. Activating his hearing rune, Jace listens in on the conversation, between Simon and Clary.

“I can’t go through this again Clary, falling for my best friend. I can’t. Last time...”

“I turned out gay, but maybe he will turn out to like guys too, come on Si. You love Jace, you just admitted it to me, why not him?”

Jace’s heart picked up at hearing what Clary had said, did Simon  _really_  do that, or is Clary lying? “Because Clary, he’s like the straightest guy I’ve ever come across in my life,” and his heart sank a little at that, because as it turns out, he isn’t exactly as  _straight_  as he once believed himself to be.

“Simon, once again, you’re over thinking this. So, tell him you love him, and if he does turn out to be straight, you can cry on my shoulder for a whole week, and we’ll, or I’ll eat ice cream and we’ll binge Marvel and Harry Potter.”

“No, I won’t. I can’t Fray, I don’t want to push him away if he, which he totally is, straight.”

“Fine, but you have no proof he is straight other then his relationship with Kaelie.”

“Just, go find your girlfriend, I’ll be okay, I promise.”

“I’ll call later,” and with that it sounds as if Clary left the apartment and sounds like Simon is walking towards his room. 

He has nowhere to go, he  _could_  go out the window but he doesn’t think that would be the best idea and it’s too late, because Simon enters his room and spots Jace.

Simon’s brows frown together, and he looks at Jace. “When did you get here, and why did you... how did you get in here?”

“Magnus portalled me in, I have to tell you something,” Jace says, giving what he hopes is a nice smile, and not one that show cases his nervousness.

“Are you okay Jace?” Simon asks, talking a step closer towards Jace, a bit of worry forming upon his features.

“No... I’m not I... I... This is  _so_  much easier said then done,” Jace’s voice shakes a little and he can’t look at Simon anymore. Scared that what he over heard was wrong, or his imagination, or someone playing a cruel prank on his heart.

His heart rate picks up as each second passes by and he feels Simon’s cold hands cup his jaw, forcing their eyes to meet. His own eyes meeting a pair of worried ones staring back at him. What was happening, and why does he feel like he can’t breathe? He needs to breathe,  _come one breathe_ , he tells himself.

Eyes tracing Simon’s lips as he is speaking to him, but nothing is meeting his ears. Simon is speaking to him, but  _nothing_  is being heard. And now, tears are forming in his eyes before he shuts them tightly and they fall down his cheeks.

He just wants to breathe, to forget that this day happened from the moment Maia told him that they needed to talk. Everything had been going good until then. Feeling a pair of arms tighten around him, he feels a sob break past his lips while also feeling his breathing becoming slightly better, and he can hear Simon singing softly.

After a few moments, he wraps his own arms around Simon, burying his head into the vampire’s neck, as a few tears fell down his face. Simon places a kiss to the side of his head, and they’re like that for who knows how long before they deiced to pull away. When they do, their faces are a few inches a part, and Jace can really take in Simon, up and close. With their arms still around each other, Jace finds himself leaning in and pressing a soft kiss to Simon’s lips.

Eyes closed, afraid to see the immediate rejection in Simon’s eyes so he doesn’t see Simon leaning in to press a soft kiss to his own lips. It’s when Simon pulls away that Jace opens his eyes to see Simon smile at him.

Then, as if in silent agreement they both lean in to kiss. Soft, tender kisses because that is what this moment called for, what today called for. One of Jace’s hands moves to rest against Simon’s check, like it would keep Simon there, kissing him. Pausing with forehead’s resting against each other, noses bumping against each other as they (Jace) catch their breathes.

The quiet around them peaceful and theirs, Jace fells like breaking it but barely does as he whispers the words, “I love you,” in a delicate voice, as if not to shatter the moment. A smile plastering itself against his lips when he hears Simon repeating the words back to him, in the same soft tone.

**Author's Note:**

> where was izzy in this series??? living it up with her girlfriend lydia


End file.
